Script for Die Hard 5.01


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[Camera pans across shot of central Manchester, complete with cloudy skies, then zoom to car park.  Put-upon and pretty-much-entirely-unconnected-with-story middle-aged father, played by d2h3, stomps both-wearily-and-hastily-at-the-same-time across said car park towards battered old red BMW.  Father’s two young sons, played by crespie and spaceman, drag their feet somewhat, around five yards in tow.]


Son 1 (spaceman): [In whiny voice]  I need to pee.

Son 2 (crespie): [In equally whiny voice]  Me too.

Father (d2h3): [Irritated]  Couldn’t you have gone before we left the office?

Son 1 (spaceman):  But I didn’t know I wanted to go then.

Son 2 (crespie):  Yeah, we didn’t know then.

Son 1 (spaceman):  It’s ok, we’ll just pee in the boot.

Father (d2h3): [Even more irritated]  No you bloody won’t.


[Buckled up safely, our intrepid adventurers sit wide-eyed in the beat-up Beamer as it pulls out of the car park.]


Son 1 (spaceman):  Are we there yet?

Son 2 (crespie):  I need to pee.


[d2h3 buries head in hands.  Some time later, they arrive at the Trafford Centre to purchase tickets for the latest film Die Hard 4.0.  The two young boys disappear swiftly to the toilets, which are up the stairs and not at all far away.  They walk past two ugly-and-mean-looking henchmen (the type you would find in the Die Hard series) stood in the entrance to Screens 1 to 6.  They are played by crespie and spaceman.]


Henchman 1 (spaceman): [Gruffly]  So I saw Bruce Willis, I mean John Mclean, head off to go to the toilet.

Henchman 2 (crespie): [Even more gruffly]  No point following him – we’ll just wait here in the entrance to Screens 1 to 6 and surely we can’t miss him when he returns.

Henchman 1 (spaceman): [Gruffly]  Yes, I agree entirely.  It won’t take him long to have a quick pee.  After all, it’s not far to travel.


[Cut to urinals in said toilets, where John Mclean, played by Bruce Willis, who is played by d2h3, whistles without a care in the world.  He is covered in his own blood.]


[John Mclean finishes his business, washes his hands (but not any of the blood on his face, arms, legs, feet…).  Still whistling, he exits and heads down the stairs, eagerly anticipating the film ahead and a little bit peckish.]

[The henchman wait patiently.  They get distracted by the showing of film previews on the screen hanging from the ceiling.]


Henchman 2 (crespie):  Still nothing.

Henchman 1 (spaceman):  Nope.  Ooh, The Simpsons Movie.


[John Mclean aka Bruce Willis aka d2h3 spots the two henchmen gazing gormlessly at the TV screen and drops to the floor and caterpillars his way through the entrance, before jumping to his feet with all the dexterity of a ninja just in time for the popcorn queue.  The henchman stare aimlessly into space.]


Henchman 1 (spaceman): [Looking at watch]  This is getting ridiculous.  It’s been nearly 10 minutes.  Perhaps he has gone for a number two.

Henchman 2 (crespie):  Or a number three.

Henchman 1 (spaceman):  Or maybe he went down to a different floor for the toilets, as he may have used the lifts rather than the stairs, which are less than obvious and ever-so-slightly hidden.

Henchman 2 (crespie):  That could well have been the case, Henchman 1, er, I mean, spaceman, er, I mean, Paul.  No, the first one.


[Meanwhile, in Screen 2, which is about to show Die Hard 4.0, Miss Marple, played by John Mclean aka Bruce Willis aka d2h3, enters stage left.  Not being able to spot her targets, she leaves the cinema.]


Smartarse kid:  Has the film finished already?

Miss Marple (d2h3): [Irritably]  Er, what?  You young rapscallion.


[Miss Marple, having confirmed that she was indeed in Screen 2, heads back in and up the stairs to the back of the cinema, crucially without her trademark glasses, squinting as she goes.  She thinks she spots her compatriots, but almost says hello to completely the wrong person (“Oh, sorry love”).  She heads back out of the cinema.]


[After donning some spectacles, Miss Marple tries to call her colleague (played by spaceman, whose phone rings without attention).  Frustrated and confused, Miss Marple heads once more into the cinema and takes a seat.]


[Having spotted the missed call, spaceman calls d2h3 who then has to talk in hushed tones while in the cinema, and spaceman and crespie are astounded to learn that d2h3 has made it into the screening, past their attentive vigil.  Crespie even asks the ticket-ripping guy if there is another way into the screening.  When all parties were united, much hilarity ensued, both in the cinema and in the bar after the film.]


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