UEFA European Football Championship 2012

The Headlines They Were Too Scared To Publish

Contents:

The Melon Farm

Slow pub crawl

Socialising

Pub guide

Pub stagger

Heatons Pub Crawls

Sport

Cricket

 

Group matches - round two

 

Group A

Czech Republic 2 (Jiracek 3’, Pilar 6’)

Greece 1 (Gekas 53’)

12th June 2012

 

The footballing action continued unabated as the first round of group matches seamlessly moved into the second, which meant that it was turn once more of Group A, probably the best group for unadulterated pun action.  An opening salvo from the Czech Republic was never matched by the Greeks and this ensured that the group stayed wide open going into the last round of matches.

 

Spaceman chewed over this one for some time whilst lying in bed (one of the best places to formulate thoughts) before coming up with:

 

Czechs spark Euro revival as Greece banks on final chance

 

This very much seemed like a financial reference jackpot as far as spaceman was concerned, tying in the Eurozone crisis with a multitude of puns.

 

Brunginho responded with:

 

Tragic Greek efforts quickly Czeched

 

A solid but unspectacular effort, perhaps limited by spaceman’s stealing of all the main puns.  Spaceman was undeterred, as usual, and offered up:

 

Re: public offering, Greece face exit

 

A little more contrived, as was the following chess reference (also stealing the tragedy link from Brunginho it seems):

 

Greek tragedy from double Czechs

 

Overall, a stunning victory for spaceman for this game, despite finishing weakly.

 

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Group A

Poland 1 (Blaszczykowski 57’)

Russia 1 (Dzagoev 37’)

12th June 2012

 

The other Group A match ended in stalemate and we might have expected the difficult of the surnames restricting the breadth of headlines available, but Brunginho would not be defeated:

 

Blaszted effort means nothing keeps Russians, Poles apart

 

Spaceman, meanwhile, lacking direct inspiration from the game itself, went for some overtly political references.  Earlier that day, a march by thousands of Russian fans to make their national day had to be halted due to clashes with Polish fans.  That led to the inevitable:

 

Poles halt Russian march

 

It also included a reference to the fact that Russia had started the tournament by impressively beating Czech Republic.  Some research into just why the Polish were so annoyed at the Russians, i.e. lots of occupation, gave another headline just waiting to be concocted:

 

Russia keep Poland occupied

 

A tricky one to call this, so that probably means it’s a draw.

 

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Group B

Portugal 3 (Pepe 24’, Postiga 36’, Varela 87’)

Denmark 2 (Bendtner 41’, 80’)

13th June 2012

 

A bit of a goalfest for the next match in Group B.  Spaceman did not have lots of inspiration, only finding a little bit when settling for:

 

Portugal take Pepe pill to defeat late but nearly great Danes

 

Brunginho meanwhile seemed fixated with pop references, firstly with:

 

Portu-glees as late high note sends Danish revival in a New Direction

 

And then with:

 

Five split in Portugal – Denmark; 'Take That' says Varela

 

Another tricky one to call, but Brunginho shades it with his off-the-wall approach.

 

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Group B

Germany 2 (Gomez 24’, 38’)

Netherlands 1 (Van Persie 73’)

13th June 2012

 

We did not seem to suffer from a lack of inspiration for this latest game.  Brunginho opened with:

 

Germans give Dutch a sniff, but Dutch oven becomes pressure cooker

 

Points deducted for double mention of Dutch.  Speaking of which, spaceman had a number of suggestions, the first of which was:

 

Deutsch double, Dutch flat as pancake

 

On a roll, spaceman then suggested the slightly tasteless…

 

Germans show concentration, camp of Holland low

 

…before churning out yet another one, all of the last three featuring wily use of the comma, probably the best form of punctuation that exists right now:

 

Impressive German, measly Dutch

 

There may have been some external influence for using Super Mario here, or it may just have been one that we’d lined up for a while, but spaceman had not quite finished and had the following one to put forward:

 

Oranges squashed by Super Mario

 

The “camp of Holland low” reference perhaps then led to Brunginho finishing this crazy round with:

 

Flat Holland face uphill struggle

 

For sheer breadth (if not depth) of punnage, spaceman takes this high scoring match.

 

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Group C

Italy 1 (Pirlo 39’)

Croatia 1 (Mandzukic 72’)

14th June 2012

 

With ageing midfielder distributer Pirlo still providing major influence on the field, references in the headlines were inevitable.  Spaceman’s new-found awareness of the Disney Junior channel had a clear influence:

 

Pir-less piledriver levelled by handy Mandy

 

Brunginho opted for playing Pirlo straight and utilising the pun elsewhere.  Originally this was “nothing to Cro at” but spaceman pointed out that such a phrase did not really reflect the actual scoreline and was thus misleading, even if it did fit better with the “crow at” aspect.

 

Pirlo swansong something to Cro at

 

Spaceman scrapes this one.

 

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Group C

Spain 4 (Torres 4’, 70’, Silva 49’, Fabregas 83’)

Ireland 0

14th June 2012

 

A thrashing for the Republic of Ireland knocked them out of the tournament.  Fabregas putting the finishing touches to the scoreline enabled a few puns based on the word “four”.  Spaceman opened with:

 

Spain's progress a four-gone conclusion as Irish green with envy

 

Secondary efforts by spaceman were…

 

Four-tune favours the Brava

 

…and, with a nod towards Torres’ double and, erm, Abba:

 

Mamma Mia! Fernando on song

 

The latter followed on from the song-based references that Brunginho had shoehorned into previous efforts.  Brunginho’s sole effort meanwhile signalled a pleasing return to the financial references:

 

No Spanish bailout needed, as Ireland are first to exit the Euro

 

Spaceman probably shades this one too.

 

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Group D

France 2 (Torres 4’, 70’, Silva 49’, Fabregas 83’)

Ukraine 0

15th June 2012

 

Following a heavy storm affecting the game, and speedy French counter-attacking football, spaceman rapidly fired the opening shot in order to get first use of all the weather-based references:

 

Lightning French storm Uk-rain-e defence

 

Of course, Brunginho bemoaned this turn of events but still stuck to his rain guns (with the headline slightly edited to improve the flow – originally it was “in rain in Ukraine”):

 

France reign in Ukraine rain

 

With the advantage of going first, spaceman racks up an easy win here.

 

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Group D

England 3 (Carroll 23’, Walcott 64’, Welbeck 78’)

Sweden 2 (Mellberg 49’, 59’)

15th June 2012

 

The inevitable rollercoaster was provided by England, who started solidly but let Sweden in, before showing atypical late game resolve.  Brunginho had been waiting for this moment for most of the tournament thus far, and eagerly posted his entry:

 

Turn-ip for the books as England mash Swedes

 

Spaceman was lacking in ideas here, first trying…

 

Hod carriers squash Swedes

 

…a reference to the manager Hodgson and the workmanlike nature of the England side, before going for the more lyrical, pun-free:

 

England get trio thanks to Theo

 

Brunginho coasts to a straightforward victory in this round.

 

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Euro 2012 links:

Group - round one

Group - round two

Group - round three

Quarter-finals

Semi-finals and final

 

Group A

Group B

Group C

Group D